8 May
10:00
Trump Force One lands at Moscow’s Sheremetyevo Airport.
12:00
Lunch at the Kremlin with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Topics of discussion to include fishing, an exchange of cultural experiences on asserting your manliness, the pros and cons of taking selfies with the Russian brown bear vs the American grizzly, and dismantling NATO so that Russia can create a Soviet Union 2.0 in its backyard, while the Trump administration buys out some European countries after they’ve sunk into chaos and hysteria following the dismantling of NATO and a flurry of EU exits following Brexit.
Mikhail Klimentyev / Global Look Press
14:00
A tour of the Kremlin and a visit to the Tsar Bell - the biggest metal bell in the world, measuring 21.6 feet (6,6 meters) in height and 21 feet (6,4 meters) in diameter, weighing in at 200 tons. Mr. Trump has insisted on the visit, as legend has it that rubbing the bell gives a man superhuman abilities in bed.
Legion Media
16:00
A tour of the artillery and military hardware to be featured at the following morning’s Victory Day parade. Mr. Trump has expressed special interest in the latest iteration of the Topol-M intercontinental ballistic missile, so as to compare them with America’s ICBMs. “Girth” and “length” have come up numerous times in conversation.
16:45
Shopping at Moscow’s posh TSUM mall for golden cufflinks and maybe a little present for Melania.
18:00
A stroll down Stary Arbat Street for some souvenir shopping. With the U.S. Presidential elections coming up in November, Mr. Trump stated he would like to return with some ‘ushankas’ - the kind adorned with the Red Star, so as to annoy American progressives back home, who are having trouble using the “Russian collusion” narrative to make their own candidates look like decent people.
19:00
Tweet lots of pics with said memorabilia, complete with snide comments. Make sure to tag any MSNBC and/or CNN reporters - and do not, under any circumstances, forget Trump fan numero uno - Rachel Maddow.
19:30
Dinner at the gold-studded Turandot Palace on Tverskoy Boulevard. The President is very curious about the silks and chandeliers, which are also a huge hit with Moscow’s gold-diggers. The Secret Service has been tasked to be on the lookout for any potential FSB honey traps.
Marina Lystseva / TASS
22:00
Sleepy time at Moscow’s Ritz Carlton. No extracurricular activities planned.
9 May
7:00
Breakfast and photo op at the Pushkinskaya Square McDonald’s - the first to open in Moscow in 1991.
8:00
A stroll down the posh Tverskaya Street to talk to “the real Russian people” [Tverskaya is famously not a representation of the average Russian’s lifestyle], signing autographs and trying to hold people’s screaming infants.
9:00
Weapons parade time, baby! Or what the Russians call “Victory Day”.
Ekaterina Shtukina / Sputnik
13:00
Lunch and final tet-a-tet with Vladimir.
18:00
Departure from Moscow’s Sheremetyevo airport back to the swamp in Washington DC.
Tomi Hänninen / Global Look Press